Missing My Baby

6 days old and wide awake during his 10 am feeding

Last night was the first time I've had a full on meltdown about Carter being in the NICU. I'm pretty sure I've been in shock all week because it hasn't even been hard leaving him there like it was with Brycen. When Brycen was in the NICU I bawled every time we left the hospital. I felt depressed and could hardly stand what was going on. It could have been because he was my first child, and having to be in the NICU made things so much harder. It's hard to explain how difficult it is to be pregnant and have a connection with the baby, deliver, then leave without them. My tummy was empty and I had nothing to show for it when I came home. And now we've made a full circle and we're back to square one, doing this all over again.

I survived a week with Carter in the NICU. I'm really excited about that! And I'm really grateful that it hasn't been hard for me having him there this entire week. It's been a blessing that everything has gone so well since he was born. Everything has been so surreal. Last night I was lying on the couch and I saw a commercial for I'm not even sure what product. All I could see was a dad with his new baby, talking about all of the pictures he's taken of his child on his phone, and then he loses the phone. Father's Day was thrown in there somewhere too. That was the tip of the iceberg for me. I cried uncontrollably and thoughts of Brycen's NICU stay were flooding my mind from out of nowhere. It's moments like these were I'm especially grateful to be married to a therapist! Tyson always knows what to say and how to say it to make me feel better. He brought up what happened last Saturday and how lucky we are to have Carter with us. He also talked about the wonderful care Carter is receiving in the NICU and that he's in the best place he can be right now. There's no way we can take care of him at home right now. As he was sitting there telling me these things and talking me through my tears I realized that not only was he right, but I already knew all of this. I just needed reminded.

Tomorrow will be the ninth day that Carter is in the NICU. Brycen was in the NICU for a total of nine days and it was the longest nine days of my life. This first week with Carter in the NICU has flown by, and I'm just now reaching the point where it's starting to drag and feel painfully difficult. I only hope and pray that I can do this-that we can do this-and that the Lord will allow us to bring our baby home in a shorter amount of time than what's in my head, and that Carter will truly be ready to come home at that time.

I feel like The Little Engine that Could saying to myself, "I can do this again. I can do this again. I can do this again." I'm grateful that Carter doesn't have a whole bunch of problems and issues like so many babies out there. At this point I can only hope that I can have the strength to continue what we've been doing for the last week. We are so grateful to have Carter here and that he is safe. I've said this before, but I know that the Lord had a hand in what happened last weekend and we feel so blessed. So now all we have to do is get through the upcoming weeks and hold our heads high. I know we can do it. With faith, prayer, and all of those other wonderful things we've been blessed with, I know that we can do this and bring our baby home soon.