Sunday, June 2, 2013

One Year

Our sweet little Carter is one year old today. I can't believe it's already been a year since our precious little boy came dramatically into the world. As I continue to read Carter's Story I feel a lot of emotions: disbelief, overwhelming joy, overwhelming frustration, sadness, happiness, anger, love...But the biggest thing I'm feeling these days is gratitude. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that our sweet little Carter was sent to our family and that we were able to experience a miracle when he survived his birth. I'm so grateful that even though the traumatic experience of getting Carter here changed me emotionally, I have a healthy baby boy to love and snuggle. And I'm grateful they have pills for said emotional changes!

It's been a weird week. I found myself looking at the calendar and then the clock everyday, thinking about what was happening at that time a year ago.

"At this time one year ago we were at the zoo," 
"At this time one year ago I was getting turned away from labor and delivery the first time." 

It wasn't good for me to think that way! A flood of emotions would immediately come back and I would either start crying or get ticked off all over again. Then I'd see that plump little baby of mine sitting on the floor and smiling up at me, and immediately the anger would go away. 

This is one of the very few pictures we have of Carter the day he was born. Most of the others are from Tyson's phone and were taken in the operating room right as Carter was being born. We weren't able to see Carter hardly at all that day, and I wasn't able to see him till the next day. This was one of the pictures I stared at during that first 24 hours, hoping it would fill that void I was already starting to feel and knowing that the void was only about to get worse.

This first year with Carter has been full of ups and downs. For the first nine months of his life we were being referred to a specialist of some kind every time we went to the pediatrician. Plastic surgery, physical therapy, occupational therapy...We knew Carter would have delays and struggles, but we never imagined that he wouldn't have any serious issues. We thought for sure having a 32 weeker would put him at the front of the line for health issues. We were so wrong! It's been amazing. We're so grateful that he is so healthy and happy. (And talk about a chunk! Did I mention he weighs 26lb?? That's my boy!)

I'm grateful for my baby. I'm grateful for the miracle that he is and how he and I defeated the odds together on that crazy day. I'm grateful for Brycen and his unconditional love for me, even though I've been through such a rough patch this last year and probably haven't been the best mom. I'm grateful for an incredibly patient and loving husband who helped me realize that I am a strong person and that it's ok to get help when I'm struggling.

I'm so grateful for all the support I've received from family members and friends over the last year. I didn't realize that Carter's birth would take as big a toll on me as it did. But I appreciate the patience and the love from family and friends and the endless amounts of support. I'm so blessed!