Boys Will Be Boys! And a Confession

Yes, the news is true! Baby Miller #2 is a boy! We just got back from a weekend in Idaho Falls with our families and we had fun telling them our news. Even though a lot of them wanted us to be having a girl, I think they're happy with a little boy instead. This will make four grandsons for my parents and four grandsons in a row for Tyson's parents (they have three granddaughters and two more grandsons to add to the bunch). My mom's parents' first four grands were boys as well so she's following in their footsteps. The oldest of those four grandsons of my grandparents' is my brother Aaron.

I'm very excited that we're having a boy. Now. Here is where my confession comes in. I was so sure that this was going to be a girl. And I think it was because I really wanted a girl next. In my mind as I pictured us telling our families I thought of us saying, "It's a girl!", but then I'd quickly say to myself, "Hold on, this could be a boy." Yet I still had this idea of "girl" in my head. With Brycen I could just tell he was a boy. I had the feeling and just knew it in my heart and soul. With this one I think it was more of a desire than anything. When we got into the doctor's office and she started the ultrasound I was getting nervous for the big news. Then she turned to Brycen and said, "Time to see if you're going to have a little brother or little sister! And it's a...brother!" And there was the proof...boy parts and all. And my stomach sank and I was bummed. I hate to admit that I wasn't happy with the news. This is my child we're talking about here. Tyson was there and just laughed when he heard the news. He was excited.

Tyson went back to work and Brycen and I went back home. I walked in the front door and got Brycen some lunch. I was truly sad when I got home and totally bummed out. I felt like crying. I wanted a girl so bad and now I'd have to wait for the next time around where hopefully we'd have a girl. I walked around the house and tried to snap myself out of the sadness I was feeling. We would be leaving for Idaho that night and I still had a lot to do. I pulled myself together to do it and got excited to see our families.

We stayed at Tyson's parents' house over the weekend and enjoyed a lot of family time, including Amber's two baby showers on Saturday. On Friday night Tyson and I had the opportunity to go to the temple with my parents, grandparents, Che', and Adam for Adam to go through the temple for the first time. I hadn't really thought about the baby much that day but was so excited to be at the temple with family. The session had barely started when the baby entered my mind. I thought about him the entire time I was in the temple...and it was wonderful. I felt at peace with the fact that we were having a boy and I was all of a sudden really excited. I thought about him being close in age to Amber's baby, Tayen (coming in March), and Aaron and Britney's little guy, Boston (almost 6 months old). I thought about these three boys playing together and most likely being in the same grade. I thought about a name for this little boy and couldn't get it out of my head the entire time we were there. And I felt an incredibly strong love for this little boy. I also felt a lot of guilt for how I'd been feeling about him over the last couple of days. My eyes filled with tears thinking about the thoughts I had about wishing so badly he was a girl instead. I hoped and prayed that he wasn't sitting up there in heaven learning how his mom felt about him while I was having those thoughts. That is still hard for me to think about.

By the time we were finished with the session I felt so peaceful and lucky to be the mom of such a special little boy. Over the weekend I talked to family and friends about this little boy. They all told us how fun it will be to have two boys together and how they'll be buddies. It made me even more excited to be having a boy.

I hope this little boy knows how excited I am for him to join our family this summer and how much I love him. He's my child, and it doesn't matter if I ever have a girl because these are my children. There's nothing like the love a mother has for her child. It's funny how you look at your child and wonder how you can love another as much as you love them. I did this with Brycen. But now I know it is possible and it's already happening for me. We're truly blessed to be having a boy and I'm so excited for Brycen to have a little brother.